Vitali Chkebelski - True History Of The Net [1]                
First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis.

Dennis was unimpressed with God.

So,... God created Brian.

But, Brian got bored with God.

So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C, and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and Dennis play some more.

Then Brian and Dennis created Unix. God saw Unix, and he was jealous. So he created Bill to torment Brian and Dennis and obscure their creation (for God could not destroy Unix, for he secretly admired its perfection).

So Bill created Microsoft. And Microsoft created Windows. And God saw that it was bad, but it had market share, so he was happy. Then Bill got cocky, and his ego got bigger than God's. So to knock Bill down a couple of pegs, God put into effect, a wondrous plan.

First God created Tim. And Tim created the World Wide Web (using Unix, of course). This was good, but not THAT good. So God created Marc. Marc created Mosaic (using Unix, of course). Mosaic created a huge feeding frenzy that has cost a lot of people who are reading this their jobs.

But that's a different story. Mosaic was good, and God saw it was good, so he allowed Marc to start Netscape. Back to this later.

But all this time Brian and Dennis started to make something better than Unix called Plan 9 (because God was successful in foiling Brian and Dennis' previous seven plans [there was no Plan 8 because Brian and Dennis pulled the wool over God's eyes and just jumped to Plan 9, which was too bright a move for even God to figure out.] )

Eventually, God figured out how to create Larry.

No one knows how or why he created Larry, except perhaps to reduce productivity at the Jet Propulsion Labs at NASA.

[Rumors are that God created Larry because he secretly liked what Dennis and Brian had done with C, but didn't think C and Unix was enough -- this probably isn't true because God believed he had destroyed Brian and Dennis' plans by destroying Plans 1-7, and by creating Microsoft to slay their beloved Unix.]

Anyhow, Larry created Perl (using Unix and C, of course), and God saw it was good, so he made Randal. Larry and Randal wrote books about Perl. And everyone saw that this was good, except snobs who were too much into C, Windows, and Intel.

One day God and the angels were discussing all this, and in walks an Intel lawyer. God asked him, "Where have you been?" and the lawyer said, "Cruising the Net". God thought he would cut the Intel lawyer down a peg, so he said, "You must have seen my faithful servant, Randal. What do you think? Books, courses, free advice on the news group, the guy never stops." But Intel's lawyer said to God, "Big deal, what with all the money from royalties, consulting, courses, etc., no wonder he's such a boy scout. Take it away, and he'll give up, curse you and stop telling bad jokes."

This was too much for God. "No way!", he said. "Go take all Randal has, but let him keep teaching courses as long as he tells those great jokes. I love his jokes." (Randal's jokes are a big hit with God and all the angels. On earth folks think they're bad. In Heaven they say you had to be there.) So the Intel lawyer had the Oregon D.A. take every penny Randal makes that isn't necessary to keep him teaching courses. And that is why Randal tells bad jokes as if his life depended on it.

The Intel lawyer told the D.A. and everyone else that the reason Randal was being punished was because he sinned against God by breaking into Intel. And many repeat the story told by the Intel lawyer even unto this day.

Anyhow, back to Randal. So Randal and Larry wrote books, but they had to be nice because of the people they worked for. So then came Tom. But back to Tom later.


Last update 06.02.2012         Contact